Pause.

So of course working in a hotel you get all kinds of attention. Granted I never actually pay any of these knuckle heads any mind... I made an exception to one. It could have been the bottle of moscato he brought back for me when he came from the liquor store ( who knows) but anyways I agreed to take his number down and this may come as a surprise lol.... I never called! So, just the other night he comes into my hotel looking for his usual jacuzzi room and of course we were sold out so I thought after the words, "Sorry we are completely booked" rang out my mouth that would be the end of the conversation ( but of course not.) This man/ boy let call him a moy... began to go on and on in his heavy hatian accent about how he was so upset I did not call this and he wanted to take me out that... As he was blabbering on I glanced outside and saw hsi beautiful car, then thought about how I was going to drive to providence tonight with no license then a light bulb went off in my head ( ding ding ding) So after interuppting his nonsense I said you and your boys should come to the club tonight with my girls, not inviting him because I actually wanted to enjoy his company but only because desperate times call for desperate measures, and I cannot be driving with no license or in cooler terms "riding dirty" so of course he was wicked excited and said okay see you later... BAD MISTAKE. So I get off work rush like crazy because its already 11 o clock and we need to go all the way to providence. Finally I meet him and it is 11:30 and he's on chill mode... needing to get gas and some more stuff  Thinking to myself there is no way in hell I went through all this trouble to not make it to the club we better get there, we finally picked up my friend and were on our way. The ride was pure hell. between him talking nonsense about how he's a rapper, and he lives this life I thought I was about to jump out of the moving car. Finally we get there to see a line around the corner... thinking to myself we they do that at... i marched to the front of the line knowing that money talks flashed a couple bills and we were in there! of course he paid. What a relief time to party I thought of course he is on my ass invading my space cramping my style making it awkward for me to be near any other guys. I was so relieved he went to the bar, taht gave me the chance to get my groove on, on the low :) The whole night I was walking on egg shells trying not to make him uncomfortable and respect him but also trynna get a new roster going :) so finally when i saw him dancing on some fat chick in the corner that was the okay i needed. I went wild danced with all the guys I had been eyeing from the time  I walked in the door and walked away with 3 numbers (kudos to me) needless to say the ride home was a quiet one and i think he got the picture. Lesson learned do not go to the club with a MOY (man boy) in general or a weirdo for that matter.

Lets Fast Forward to Present Day -04/14/2011

So the time is now 10:00 pm on the dot and I received a text from this fairly new guy asking when I was coming over...(yes I already slept with him) sad story I know. But the even sadder story was the sex was horrible. I responded by saying, "you meant to ask when could you hit" With him laughing and saying, naw your cool peoples. I already knew the deal and I felt insulted that he would even try to sugarcoat it and not keep it 100. Saying to myself, would he just admit that he wants me to come over really quick, hit it and have me bounce; if he had said that I mean yes I would have been mad but I would have respected him a lot more. Of course I would have cussed him out but at least I would have known he had some balls. Keeping in mind that the sex was HORRIBLE with a capital H...Being one of the few Italians I have slept with I thought he might be in the same size range as the other "Italian Stallions"  BOY!! was I wrong it was a big  small disappointment, and a quick one if I may add that in as well. Anyways I had to let him know I cannot continue to do this, it's one thing If you were genuinely trying to get to know me and we happened to have a late night rendezvous here and there but you are blantantly hitting me up for SEX as if your pipe game is even something to run home about. GIVE ME A BREAK! like no offer to get a bite to eat or drinks? and the fact that he is older.... wayyyyy older you would think he had some manners. NOPE! or maybe he was thinking he got a young one who was black at that he could play her. SHAKING MY HEAD like I was having a seizure, with B's infamous line, "you must not know about me" ringing in my head. I thought to myself to be so young I been doing this too long baby boy. After letting him know he will not be getting any COUTER from me on a regular basis, just for shits and giggles he disappointingly responded, "iight then". Guess you can say that is the last I will hear from him. And it sucks though because he had so much potential, beautiful house, cars , money clothes, just not a brain... the most important factor of all. SAD STORY!

Skater Boy

So I guess the fact that my first kiss was done on a dare was not that unusual but the fact that I was so repulsed during it all well that might come as a bit shocking. His name shall remain nameless, considering the fact I don't want to embarass myself. It was 6th grade, and we were all gathered around playing a game of truth or dare, I was sweating bricks A, because my sister would be picking me up any moment and B, because I really did not want to be picked. So of course someone dares me to kiss this underated, unknown peer of mine reluctant at first because he was that much of a loser I was known to never back down so I did it! With both A and B coming to bite me in the ass my sister saw, and I hated every minute of it. Thinking to myself on the ride home as I listened to her threaten to tell mom, I realized kissing did not live up to the hype, and the fact that I was trying "fit in" with the weirdos (who at the time were the only ones being remotely sexually active) did not make it worth it either. So after the rumors flew of how Ashley kissed the weirdo, and the permanent flashbacks remained in my brain for years, even up to this day. I vowed to never kiss again. Another reason I know my ability to formulate a promising relationship is damaged. Usually kissing plays a big part in two people who are attracted to eachother. It's sensual and meaningful, (so I have heard.) I would not know because I avoid it at all cost.... why you ask maybe I feel I will be in a vulnerable state WHO KNOWS!!! Its pretty sad that I can have sex with someone and turn my face away the whole time and not think anything of it, and the saddest thing is I have been doing it since I lost my virginity. When asked why I am like that I respond by saying I am not the "affectionate type" and I know to kiss that guy goodbye "theoretically speaking" of course!! It seems that anyone who has really liked me has not felt it in return and bounces... maybe thats why I came up with the "hit it and quit it theory" or as these new era kids call it "toot it and boot it".... Either way I have found that I have been damaged goods since day one, and its time to be restored.

From here on out I will consider myself an one of a kind oil painting that has a smudge!!
but with careful hands and a little work can be fixed... or so we shall see.

Why me!

"But this is just one factor. Women, who had no dad to relate to when they were younger, were forced to mature faster. They need to emotionally and psychologically cope with their situation and as a result they seek someone with the same level of maturity and understanding. Having no father figure in early childhood may also make an adult fearful or have difficult time in establishing a committed love affair."
By: Ruth Purple
http://www.relazine.com/singles/younger-women-with-older-men-

So hi, God this is Ashley speaking. Just one question why was I dealt such a bad hand. Maybe my father was a card counter in his previous life and I am now being punished for his wrong doings, either way it sucks.
It sucks that I can have sex with a man and feel absolutely nothing at all, but the little bit of penetration for a couple of minutes in most cases. And then There! Be done and over it and on to the next. But what sucks even more is when I am attached to someone there is no turning back. It's like I am ready to do anything to make the relationship last, so hey if that means enduring cheating, fights, verbal and physical abuse (so be it.) I do what I gotta do, weather the storm and pray for a sunny tomorrow.
See unlike Oprah, Dr. Phil and every other talk show host/ self proclaimed therapist, I never blamed my not so good relationship with the sperm donor I occasionally refer to as dad for the choices I have made when it came to men , I just thought it was me. So when I liked the older, bigger, more assertive men who told me what to do and liked to have control over me in every aspect. I thought it was me, that was just the type of guys that were attracted to me because I am such a strong willed woman, but in all actuality it is not me at all.
I'd like to think I have been living the past 8 years in a daze, a daze of choices made by someone who did not know what they were doing or why they were doing it.
Good thing I woke up and smelt the tea. ( Never would I drink coffee, nor would I wake up in a good mood if I had to smell it). 

So kind of like past life regression therapy minus the hypnosis, shrink, and imagining anything that did not happen. I am going to RE-LIVE real events and see where my trip down memory lane takes me.